Boast in my Weakness

This is a post that truthfully, I rather not be typing.  I have put it off for months and months, thinking that one day I'd post good, exciting news about a growing family and be able to leave this part of my life behind.  But as fate would have it, that's not how this has played out and frankly, God won't let me run from it anymore.  His prompting for me to write and share is far too strong to ignore.  And something crazy just happened that made me realize I better start.

This all started back in March of 2012 when Jared and I decided we wanted to start a family.  Three weeks later we found out I was pregnant.  9 1/2-10 weeks into the pregnancy, we lost the baby.  If you haven't read that story, you can find it by clicking here.  Honestly, since May 10, 2012, my life has drastically changed.  Never did I think I would have the emotions and feelings that I've had and never did I imagine that my relationship with the Lord could grow SO much.

After the miscarriage in May, I had problems with my hcg levels returning to normal.  That's a whole other story in itself, but in August we were cleared to start trying again.  August, September, October, November, December all passed with big fat negatives.  Now January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November have all passed with the same fate.  I've had numerous tests and procedures run, all coming back perfectly clear and normal.  That in itself is a praise.  A frustrating one, but a praise none the less.  Jared's testing came back perfectly normal as well.  Our doctor told us that he didn't know what was wrong, scientifically it didn't make sense, and referred us to a fertility doctor.  We haven't been yet.  I don't really know what to do, other than pray about moving forward.

We've been patiently and sometimes not so patiently waiting with each passing month to see if the desire of our hearts will be filled, but that's when it started to click that maybe my desire is all wrong.  Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart."  Yes, He wants to give me the desires of my heart, but it comes from a place of delighting in Him simply because He's Lord and He's good.  He is so good.  He has so much mercy on me and covers me in grace.  He's revealed time and time again why the timing wasn't right with the first baby.  But still, my selfish arms long to hold my baby.

I'm writing this as a piece of my continuously growing testimony.  My heart HAS changed in the last 6 months or so and instead of praying FOR a baby, I find myself praying for God to use me in whichever way He wants.  Help me be okay with who I am and what He's given me.  Help me give Him glory through every tear cried.  Don't let my pain and longing for a child consume me and shape me into someone I'm not.  Make me a parent in the way that gives You the most glory.  Mold me into the woman You want me to be; one that rejoices in the calm and the storm.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 has been on my heart so much lately.  It reads, "And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness"  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

What a powerful scripture.  And like I said, it's REALLY been on my heart for about 2-3 weeks now.  I mean heavily on my heart.  Today I came home, got the mail like always, and we had a letter from a man my husband is good friends with.  He had handwritten us a letter to let us know the Spirit had placed us on his heart and he was praying for us continually through all of our fertility struggles.  In it, he gave us each scriptures to meditate on that he felt like God was leading him to give us.  Want to guess what the first one was?  Yep, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.  That's when I knew I had to write this.

I have to boast in my weaknesses so God can get Glory!  Isn't that amazing?  This same man, having no idea I was about to have an HSG procedure done in October, literally texted Jared the moment we walked into the hospital just to tell him that we were heavy on his heart and he was praying over us at that very moment.  Goosebumps.  Incredible, divine presence and intervention.

Our close family and friends know much of this and have been amazing through everything.  They've prayed over us, sent us notes of encouragement, and told us how our joy, regardless of our situation, has encouraged them.  That is all so wonderful and we are truly grateful.  I don't know what we would've done without them.  But now God has told me that my close friends and family aren't the only ones who need to know.  I need to proclaim His goodness and promises in total faith to the world.  When I am weak, He is strong in me.

If there are any of you out there reading my blog who are going through the same struggles I am right now, please know I am praying for you and please message me if you ever need someone to talk to.  I feel like a weight has been lifted from my back in sharing my struggles and weaknesses with you.  I know that no matter what, God's plan is way better than mine.  I believe it and I trust it.  We always tend to cling to Psalm 37:4, but 5 is what really gets me..."Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it."  God has a reason for allowing things to happen.  We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will.  Sometimes God doesn't change our situations because He's trying to change our hearts.

We all have struggles and difficulties.  Let's pray for one another and encourage each other to boast in our weakness.  For when we are weak, HE is strong.

December 14, 2012

December 14, 2012 was my due date.  I'm remembering a sweet little life who never got to see this world.  I know my baby is waiting on me in Heaven and I can't wait to meet him/her one day.  I find great peace in comfort in knowing that my Lord and Savior has a plan for everything.

Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things. -Ecclesiastes 11:5 

By faith even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised.  -Hebrews 11:11

I began writing this post at the beginning of the week, before the horrific, evil events in Newtown, CT on December 14th. But as I'm remembering a life lost in my own little world, I cry out for those who lost their precious little children and family members in a senseless, evil act. How do you even wrap your mind around something like this? You can't. As an elementary teacher, I simply can't imagine the horror that they felt. I begin crying everytime I read stories or watch the news. May we never forget the names of those lost. May we never forget the courage and the boldness of the school administration and teachers as they tried to protect those little babies.

My prayer is that this will bring our country to it's knees, open our eyes, and bring revival in America. We need Jesus. No doubt about it. Only He can save and heal the broken. There's evil in this world and there has been since Adam and Eve.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18

Thank You & Life

I thought I'd have so much more time to keep up with this during the summer, but life's been a little busy around these parts.  Between doctor's appointments, Jared's crazy work schedule, Bible studies, VBS, and just the daily up keep, I've let this slip again. 

Before I do any catching up, I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who reached out to us and prayed for us during and after the miscarriage.  You are all so, so wonderful and your comments, messages, phone calls, and texts have meant the world to me.  It is so amazing to have friends who remember exactly when your appointments are and shoot you a text minutes before you walk in the doctor's office to tell you they're praying for you and they love you.  I have never felt so loved as I have during these trying times.  Each of you who share your miscarriage stories with me...thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  I find so much hope in your stories.  No one gets it quite like someone who's been there, although I definitely appreciate ALL of the love and support.  If you've experienced this, my prayers are with you. 

The word miscarriage is just a simple little word, but it can be so disheartening and gut wrenching when you're experiencing it...and it's not a quick process for all.  I'm STILL going through the after effects.  It's been two months since I first learned I was having a miscarriage.  For those of you who don't know about all of the saga, I want to make people aware of the struggle that comes along with this kind of thing. I think my experience needs to be shared so people can either empathize with someone or feel like that can talk openly about their own experience.  I know I found a lot of comfort in other people's stories.

I've had to have bloodwork done on a weekly basis since my D&C.  The doctors were concerned because my hcg levels weren't coming down as fast as they'd like them to.  There was a mention of a molar pregnancy.  If you don't know what that is, you can find out here.  I cannot describe the feeling of terror and helplessness when you hear the words "cancer" spoken to you.  THAT gave me a new perspective for all of those struggling with that terrible disease.  But, praise be to God, that was ruled out.  After more rounds of bloodwork and an ultrasound, it was determined that there appeared to be something left behind from my 1st surgery.  Talks of a second surgery were mentioned.  I didn't know how in the world I was going to get through that.  One was ENOUGH.  The 2nd surgery option was later ruled out and then I was told I would likely be undergoing a round of chemotherapy (with methotrexate).  That was just last week.  It felt like it was never ending and I know I was getting close to my breaking point.  In the midst of it all, one day week before last, as I was pulling out of my doctor's office, I was crying and I was angry and talking to God about how mad I was.  All of a sudden, I heard the word "patience".  I don't really know where I heard it-in my ears, heart, or head, but it was SO loud and pressing.  There was absolutely no ignoring it.  I told God that I got it, loud and clear.  From that moment on, I haven't felt anxious about anything.  I'm at peace with my waiting game.

Now my levels are almost zero, so my new doctor says I don't need to do either of these things.  It just continues to be a waiting game.  But I'm okay with that!  Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord!  God has been so faithful to us through it all.  He's given me strength when I literally didn't think I could pick myself up.  He's given my husband the right words to say to me.  He's placed the right people in my life to lift me up and help me carry on.  I also started reading this book at the recommendation of someone dear to my heart (who also shared her miscarriage story with me).  It has been a God send and I'd encourage anyone who's going through infertility, miscarriage, or stillbirth loss to read this.

Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake

Again, thank you for everything if you've loved on us and prayed for us.  We appreciate it more than you could ever know. 

Now, to play catch up...I'm so thankful I've been able to spend more time with my little niece.  She is the funniest kid.  The things that come out of her mouth crack me up.  She's just so sweet and perfect.  Here are some pictures from our dates.  :)

Eating some frozen yogurt at my favorite place.  She loved the "pink" yogurt.

Excited about playing hide and seek.

Wearing our Mississippi gear!

Worn out after playing.  Isn't this the sweetest thing?  It makes my heart happy.

We had a great 4th of July celebrating with some wonderful friends on their boat.  We had to outrun a rainstorm, but we had such a good time with them.  We watched the fireworks over Pensacola bay from the boat.  It was so beautiful.  Thanks for having us!

We're working on getting some new furniture pieces for our home.  I can't wait!  Last night, we found this little treasure hidden in my parents' garage.  They didn't have a use for it, so we snagged it, cleaned it up and it's now in our entry way.  It fit perfectly.  It's an antique Singer sewing machine.  No telling how old it is, but we thought it was so neat and different.  We haven't decided if we want to sand it and refinish it or leave it the way it is.

 You open the top, and here's what's inside...

Our little family is just trucking along.  We are so blessed.

I'll try to be better about this blog.  I've made some pretty good recipes lately that I'd love to share, but that will be for another day.  Hope y'all have enjoyed your weekend!

Miscarriage

I've decided to share my story after many prayers and consideration.  It's tough to talk about, but it needs to be talked about.  I don't want to be a hypocrite and only praise God in the good times.  I choose to praise Him in the storms too.

I'm choosing to openly share this because it helps my heart to heal by talking about it.  I just pray that someone else can read this and find comfort and hope in my story like I have in so many others.  So many women experience miscarriage, but hardly any talk about it openly.  It really is a loss and some people do not understand that.  I grieve over this.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

We found out we were pregnant Easter weekend.  We felt shock, then pure joy and excitement took over.  We were ecstatic and just couldn't believe it.  We had our first doctor's appointment on April 23rd and everything looked great.  We saw an ultrasound of our little baby.  It was about the size of a tic tac, but it was so amazing to see.  My follow-up appointment was set three weeks out for May 10th.  I had blood work done and everything came back perfect.

Between that appointment and the next, I had every crazy pregnancy symptom in the book - from absolute exhaustion to terrible nausea and vomiting.  You name it, I probably had it.  I had the worst food aversions imaginable.  I love to eat healthy and crave vegetables and fruits normally, but I couldn't even stand to see them for about 5 weeks.  It was so bad that I couldn't go to the grocery store.  I only wanted foods that I used to eat when I was a child - Teddy Grahams, PB&J, Cheese Quesadilla, Carnation Instant Breakfast.  It was SO bizarre.  Bless my poor husband's heart.  He was amazing through it all.  He'd go to the store for me, would deal with my crazy cravings, and he didn't get a home cooked meal for about 6 weeks.  And he never once complained.  Not only could I hardly stand to look at food, the smell would send me straight to hugging the toilet.  Oranges, my pantry, coffee, and hairspray were THE WORST smells ever.  Let me just say that being an elementary school teacher and smelling cafeteria food everyday is not easy on a pregnant lady's nose.  There were a few times I'd have to dart out of the lunchroom before getting sick.  And getting anything done around my house?  Forget it.  The house had gone uncleaned for some time.  It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed in the morning and get to work on time.  As soon as I came home, it was nap time.  Even through all of this, I was so so so excited because it was all so worth it.

May 10th was our next appointment.  It was a Thursday and I can remember it being an absolutely beautiful day.  It was so sunny, but hardly any humidity.  I had just put my kids on the buses and as I walked back to my classroom to pack up and leave for my doctor's appointment, I kept having this feeling of sadness come over me.  I remember looking up at the sky and thinking "it's too a beautiful day for such a sad ending".  I have no idea where that even came from.  It was bizarre and scary...but like the Lord was preparing my heart for something.  I have had this happen to me a few times in my life before...almost a sort of intuition I guess.  I tried to shake it off and sent a text to my husband telling him how excited I was.  This was the day we were going to get to hear the heartbeat.

We went in, went over blood work results, which were great, discussed family history again, and then it was time for the ultrasound.  My doctor was able to locate the gestational sac immediately...but there was nothing in there.  The gestational sac had continued to grow at the normal rate.  I was 9 weeks, but it was just a black hole.  She stopped the ultrasound and told us she wanted us to have one done with the high tech machine to be sure.  When she said this, I just knew that it was the end of this pregnancy.  She walked out of the room and I burst into tears.  Oh how thankful I am that Jared was there with me that day.  I had actually told him earlier in the week that he didn't have to come because I didn't want him to miss too much work.  Thankfully, he dismissed that completely and wanted to be there more than anything.  The doctor returned and said we'd have to wait until Monday to come back for another ultrasound.  In the meantime, her nurse came in and told me to prepare for a miscarriage and warning signs I should be aware of.  We were crushed.  I had never even had any miscarriage symptoms.  I was still having morning sickness and exhaustion.  It was all I could do to stop hyperventilating so I could walk out of the doctor's office.  I cried the whole way home and for the remainder of the night.  It was going to be a long weekend waiting for Monday.

Jared and I hit our knees when we got home and just asked the Lord for finality on Monday.  We just wanted a yes or a no.  We weren't asking for the baby back, because we knew the Lord was taking care of it.  So, Monday came.  We went in and had another ultrasound.  It confirmed that we had in fact lost the baby.  It was heartbreaking and my worst fears came true.  BUT I was so thankful for an answered prayer.  At least now we knew for sure.

I had to schedule a D&C because I had what's called an incomplete or missed miscarriage.  My body did not recognize that the baby had died, so it carried on like a normal pregnancy - hcg doubling, uterus and gestational sac growing, symptoms continuing.  They told me it could take up to 6 weeks to miscarry naturally.  Since I knew it was no longer viable, it was just adding insult to injury to keep being reminded of what I no longer had.

I went in that Thursday for my surgery.  By that point, I was 10 weeks so my hcg levels were very high.  The surgery went as well as it could.  I woke up feeling the devastating finality of it all.  At the same time, I was thankful to have that part over with and I was anxious for my body to heal.  I can't even explain my thoughts and feelings during that time.  So incredibly sad, yet I was trying see the grace in it all.  That part was very hard.

 

That weekend, I had some visitors, which I cannot thank enough for spending time with me, and lots of phone calls and emails.  In the weeks that followed, hand written letters, cards, cakes, brownies, and flowers arrived.  The healing process had officially begun.  You will never know how much it means to me to have people take their precious time to write me or visit me.  I've kept all of the cards and notes and look back to them on bad days. It has given me so much hope and comfort.   There is definitely something to be said for old fashioned handwritten cards and letters.

Today I am exactly 4 weeks post D&C.  I would have been 14, almost 15 weeks by this point.  I'm still patiently waiting for my hcg levels to return to zero. God is definitely taking care of this.  It's been a living nightmare dealing with my doctor and this whole process and things have happened that make me feel so awful.  But I know it could be so much worse, so I'm thankful that things have progressed they way they have. I don't know what I would have done without my faith and trust in Him.

Physically, it's been hard on my body to go through these changes.  It's amazing how fast your body changes during pregnancy.  Almost overnight there are dramatic changes, but they went away almost immediately after my surgery.  It left me feeling gross and unattractive.  It was very hard to deal with, but I was just allowed to start exercising again so I'm able to work on that part.

Emotionally, it's been even harder because I feel like I have nothing to show for it.  I have good days and bad days, especially with these CRAZY dropping hormones.  Sometimes I think I'm insane and other times I feel perfectly normal.  Thankfully, I'm having more good than bad days now.  I still have a good cry every now and then, but I get over it quicker and don't dwell on the sadness as much.  My energy and appetite have returned to normal.  And as great as that may seem, that made me cry all day one Saturday because I felt good.  It was like I finally realized that I didn't even have my pregnancy symptoms anymore.  It still pains me to think about it sometimes, especially when I think of my due date, which was December 14th, or other landmark dates. Right now, I'd be getting close to finding out the gender.    There are just so many unanswered questions, but I've come to peace with the fact that there are just some things I don't need to know!  God is working on this part.  I'm thankful for the Biblical stories of Sarah and Hannah, just to name a few, to help me through this hard time.  God's word is so comforting.

Through this all, I've completely fell to my knees.  Jesus HAD to take the wheel.  This was WAAAAY beyond my control.  But it wasn't that easy.  I was so hurt and mad and sad.  I didn't even know where to start.  Then I saw a quote that read, "When it's hardest to pray, pray harder."  I think God showed that to me to light that fire again inside.  I started praying, even though it was difficult.  It's now much easier for me to talk to God about everything. I cannot describe the feeling of peace and comfort that comes over me when I talk to Him about my baby growing up in Heaven with Jesus.  I can't wait to meet him or her one day.

Jesus said "let the little children come to me & do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these" - Matthew 19:14

The miscarriage has brought my husband and I so much closer and we're praying that the Lord will be glorified through our hurt.  We know He tests us from time to time and I feel that the valleys we walk through bring us a closeness with Him that you can only feel during those low, low moments.  We know He has a plan for us and we completely trust His plan.  We've chosen to be His followers, not just fans, and with that comes suffering, persecution, but also a hope and peace and joy that cannot be explained.  We have been so incredibly blessed and we know He'll take care of us.

I've found some scriptures that have been profoundly helpful in the healing process.  These are a few of them:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

-Psalm 34:18

I'm not saying I have this all together, that I have it made.  But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached our for me.  

-Philippians 3:12

REST in the Lord and wait PATIENTLY for Him. 

-Psalm 37:7 (emphasis mine)

Consider it pure joy, my brethren, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. 

-James 1:2-4

... For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 

-2 Corinthians 4:17

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. 

-Ecclesiastes 11:5 (this one reminds me that I do NOT need to know all the answers.  God knows and that's enough for me.)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

-John 14:27

And of course...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

-Jeremiah 29:11

I cannot tell you how much comfort these verses brought me.  There are more, but these were the main ones I read over and over again during hard times.  There would be days when I was just in tears and I'd open my Bible directly to one of these.  I know there was some Divine intervention during those moments to direct me to these verses.

It's been a hard road, but we're thankful for the experience.  We know God can use this in some way to help His kingdom.  I've prayed that the Lord will break my heart until it moved my hands and feet, which I hated to pray, but I felt led to.  Now, He has done that.