Our sweet little girl running through our home, wild curly hair bouncing all over the place, her toys strewn in every direction. My pregnant belly getting bigger and bigger by the day, making it harder and harder to do common chores. A plate of leftover homemade double chocolate chip cookies sitting on the counter. My husband's coffee mug from this morning sitting down in the sink waiting to be loaded into the dishwasher along with all of the other breakfast dishes. A pile of laundry needing to be folded and put away. A Bible laying open instead of put away neatly on the tray where it goes. Glass doors so full of finger prints and doggie nose art that you can hardly see out of it. And in this mess, I saw utter beauty.
This is what I dreamed of. From the time I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was a family of my own and a house to make a home. I couldn't wait until it was my time in the kitchen to cook meals for my family. Long before Pinterest ever existed, I'd cut clippings of decorations and recipes from magazines and store them in a manilla folder. I eventually graduated to saving pictures onto a desktop folder on my laptop in college. (Why didn't I think of something as fantastic as Pinterest?!) My parents' next door neighbor even bought me a Family Recipe Cookbook as a Christmas gift when I was 15 or 16 so I could start writing my favorite recipes down. She recognized God's calling on my life far before I did.
Maybe you can relate to me. Maybe not. Either way, as I started out in life, fresh and green out of college at 21, I took my life in a completely different direction. I sought to be a successful business woman, working 12 hour days, climbing my way up the corporate ladder. That became my dream, or so I thought. (Now hear me - there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing, wrong with this if this is your calling. My downfall was that is was not my calling and my life had no peace. I was never satisfied. I always wanted more-more-more or I found that I could never do enough.)
The harder I gripped onto making this my reality, the more it slipped through my fingers. It's like trying to squeeze a wet bar of soap. The harder you squeeze, the more slippery it becomes and it eventually pops out of your hand. That was my life. I was trying to control every facet and I was failing miserably. Where had I gone wrong? Who was I? I had become someone I didn't even know.
And then I met Jesus. He never stopped pursuing me during all of my years of backsliding and living apart from Him. And I certainly faced consequences for living my life this way, but the beautiful truth is, it wasn't until I realized who He is that I found who I am. My identity rests in Him and Him alone.
It's easy for us to get lost in who we think we're supposed to be - moms, caregivers, entrepreneurs, health gurus, beauty gurus, teachers, wives, the list could go on and on. We weave a tangled web and often get caught up in something we're not supposed to do or someone we're not supposed to be. It's utterly exhausting. And this world fuels that fire even more. Just look at your favorite social media outlets. If you don't have the peace of Christ at the center and forefront of your mind, you'll start to feel less than, left behind, and not good enough. We have to be founded on His solid rock.
Here are a few things He's taught me through the years as I've learned to surrender and live out His plan for my life:
1. We are all different and that is a good thing. We were not created to fit the same mold. The apostle Paul tells us in Romans 12:6 that, "We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us and each of us are to exercise them accordingly." We are all given different gifts and they are all equally important. This whole chapter of Romans 12 is full of amazing truths and lessons on life. Read it when you have a moment. Takes notes. Put the verse that stuck out to you on a sticky note and place it on your bathroom mirror where you will read it everyday.
2. God sees things differently than we do. I've been studying 1 and 2 Samuel for a month or so and my favorite take away has been and still is that God does not see as man sees. When The Lord told Samuel to go anoint the new king and God led him to David, Samuel first looked at David's brother, Eliab, and thought, "Surely the Lord's anointed is before me. But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." (1 Samuel 6:6-7) Eliab might have looked more royal than David, but God wanted the boy with the ruddy complexion to sit on the throne.
3. I am made new in Christ. I don't have to worry or fret over the time I wasted trying to find myself. "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." (2 Corinthians 5:17) What peace this brings me. God doesn't see my past, only my future and what He can do through me. Amen. I am thankful for a Savior who wipes my slate clean.
I am just a girl with a messy bun because (dare I admit this to you) I haven't washed my hair in four days, a messy house, and a messy life at times. But the Great I AM says this is exactly where and who I am supposed to be. I will continue to let Him use my mess as a message.
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